The Orangina Monologues

David Caruso, you magnificent bastard

2007-03-19T19:04:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching CSI: Miami. I know. It's not because I miss Miami - it's because there's nothing that comes close to being as bad as the actual city as the show about the city. I'll set the scene:

It's a charity gala event at a hospital opened by some exceedingly wealthy, young, attractive people. It's outside on a glorious sunny Miami day - the kind that never actually happens when I'm in town. The woman hosting offers a toast, champagne corks are popped, one after the other - followed by . . . a SHOT! A man comes tumbling out onto the second story terrace, stumbles over the balcony, and falls down, impaling himself on a crystalline ice sculpture - like a miniature icy Fortress of Solitude. Officers arrive on the scene. The medical examiner comments to Lieutenant Horatio Kane that killing a man in broad daylight in a house full of people is cold. Horatio puts his wraparound glasses back on and retorts: "Cold as ice, Katherine. Cold as ice." [Cue the Who]

Don't - Don't you want me?

2007-03-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

Bill and Ted's Excellement Adventured (in job hunting)

2007-02-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

So I was looking at legal job postings today. This was part of one:

Excellement writing and research skills are a must . . .

I love job hunting!

Life is grand - like candy, or heroin

2007-02-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

I scored a job interview today! Granted, it's just a preliminary interview, and it's in Miami, which is - well - Miami, but I actually managed to get an interview based on my own (mediocre) credentials. And all I had to do was apply to 6,000 jobs. However, this has given me hope and the courage to follow my dreams. I am going to drop an atomic bomb on every city in the world until the radiation produces a single Godzilla, Mothra, or other Creature of Mass Destruction. Yippee!

Also, honest-to-God headline from today's Yahoo! news page (oh how I love/hate the news):

"Internet searches for arrested astronaut skyrocket."

The world is a sick bitch.

Think warm thoughts. . . Think warm thoughts. . .

2007-02-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

So it was 2 below this morning. And by "2 below," I mean that it was SO cold, that's the number of testicles that reascended into my body.

On a lighter note, Emerson wearing a sweater is just about the most adorable thing in the history of the world.

I fought the law, and the law won.

2007-01-31T08:55:00.000-08:00

This is an annotation of a case that I turned up during a search:

Where officer with arrest warrant was leaning on bed to arouse defendant and felt hard object under his hand, and object felt like stock of rifle or shotgun, search under mattress was justified for protection of officer and to prevent escape.

I love our legal system.

Haikus are like Dick Clark - They Never Get Old

2007-01-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

Here are some haikus that I'm copying over from my old MySpace blog, which I no longer use. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.

patrick swayze's hands
are like handsome sandpaper
unchained melody

two four six eight, who
do we appreciate? me,
because i'm a jew.

some rednecks are real
assholes but some just want to
cook you fried chicken

oh noble mallards
you truly astonish me
with gruesome sex acts

i'd like to go to
the university of
porking your momma

writing haikus is
probably easier to
do in japanese

it seemed quite country
when michael spoke of his ex:
that bitch stole my dog

skeezos snips drew's locks
which fall on the parking lot
no more mullet, drew

mushrooms on pizza
three slices were in my fridge
so i ate them all

hot topic sucks ass.
evanescence hurts my brain.
dark spirits, piss off.

here's a haiku for
your momma. it's from a nice
jewish boy. boo ya.

why did she make miss
congeniality 2?
must need drug money

girls in too short skirts
were they attacked with scissors
or are they just hoes?

girlfriend in europe
no money to go get drunk
and my tummy hurts

gourmet fair food - yum
but i think what did me in
was the fried twinkie

Law students continue to be assholes.

2007-01-30T11:35:00.000-08:00

We ARE filling out the seating chart today. I hereby dub this girl the new "neckpunch."

Law students are worse than Hitler.

2007-01-30T10:28:00.000-08:00

So I show up to one of my favorite classes today, and realize it's seating chart sign-up day. So, as I have for the past two classes, I walk over to my usual seat at the front of the room - which I take to force me to pay attention - and some absolute hose bag has stolen my friend's seat, and is saving my usual seat for her friend, who is too God damn slow to show up. So now, I'm forced to sit in the very last row at the very back of the room, nose bleeding onto keyboard, professor saying something I can barely hear because he's so fucking far away, and all I can bring myself to do is stare at the back of the head of this dim witted crotch bag who stole my seat, visualizing an army of naked mole rats burrowing into her head and taking a dump. And the proof that I need to sit near the front or I won't pay attention? I'm blogging now - for like the first time in 6 months - just because I can't bring myself to pay attention.

On the lighter side, here's a wedding photo:

P.S. (which in this case stands for "personal satisfaction" - the bitch who wouldn't let me sit in my seat just got called on)

P.P.S (which here stands for "peeing in pants, satisfied" - the professor didn't get a proper seating chart, so we're doing it next time - and i WILL be here early)

Justice prevails!

The World, and Everyone in it, are Shit.

2006-08-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

So these are the two bullshit things that have made me lose faith in the world. Corporate law, here I come.

1) So I get into the office today and find out that a motion we submitted (that I wrote!) was denied by an administrative body. The result: the highest ranking FBI agent who is fluent in Arabic and has extensive counterterrorism experience (including the first WTC Bombing, the Blind Sheik, and Osama) IS STILL NOT WORKING IN OPERATIONAL COUNTERTERRORISM. He's doing document identification. FUCK.

2) My coworker comes in and it turns out her purse was snatched on the train. So we call her cell phone and a guy answers, and tells us that he found the purse on the train and was leaving it at a Metro Station. So nice! Except the cock smoking bitch was lying. He didn't leave the purse. When we got to the station, they didn't know what we were talking about. He simply took everything in it and never answered the phone again. And when my friend stopped to tell a cop, this was the basic exchange:

Cop: So tell me what happened.

Friend: I went from the train to the bus, and somewhere along the way my purse went missing. We called the phone, a guy said the purse was here at the station, but it's not.

Cop: Oh. Well you're not getting that back.

Thanks, Officer Friendly.

The world is bad. And so is everyone in it. Except for my dog:

Sometimes, he eats cat poop.

I hear what I want to hear.

2006-08-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in a while, mostly because my brain is rotting, as evidenced by an encounter I had with an intern at work today:

Me to Chris: Hey Chris, you heading home?

Chris to me: No, I'm going with Aaron to pick up some documents.

What went into my head: No, I'm going with Aaron to pick up some donkey bits.

And the AVERAGE I.Q. is 100.

My Lovely Lady Lumps

2006-04-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

Taking a picture of yourself alone in a cavern looking away from the camera and then posting it on your blog is SOOOOOO emo. Why aren't I loved?

So I haven't posted in a while. Law school is a bitch. Ain't that something?

50 Cent Does not care about black people

2006-01-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

Only a few weeks after tearing into Kanye West's reputation like a redneck tears into squirrel meat - in part criticizing Kanye's lyrical gangsterness, and in part attacking West for his comments about Secretary General President Bush - Curtis Jackson, a.k.a. "50 Cent " (named for the monetary equivalent of the amount of crack rock he'd sell his mama for) is getting sued for ripping off a song by 2 Live Crew rap king Luther Campbell, who grew to fame by pointing out Miami's skankier side (that is, the 2/3 of Miami that no one was paying attention to).

This is just more evidence supporting the hypothesis of my upcoming law school dissertation, "Get Rich or Die Sucking it in a Denny's Parking Lot: The Legal Ramifications of the Fact that 50 Cent is a Stupid Bush-Loving Bitch."

50 Cent, taking a crap in a dark room. Afterwards, he will stare into the poop until he is in a trance, during which he will write another song about a blowjob, most of which will be sampled from Kanye West's "Gold Digger." Kanye will then sue 50 Cent, winning 94% of 50's bling. 50 will retreat to Helena, Montana, where he will become a cowboy. And by cowboy, I mean he will manually stimulate bulls and artificially inseminate female cows. The End . . . ?

Chronic Master Bakers

2006-01-17T08:02:00.000-08:00

My professor has said "master baker" like 20 times this class. And it just keeps getting funnier. Damn!

God has a plan

2006-01-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting in class today with 120 other students NOT paying attention. Being a dumbass, I started to laugh out loud at something that was going on in the chat room. So I decided to close the windo and take a look at the news headlines to calm my laughter. This is (honest to God) what I saw:

UN warning over Turkey bird flu
S Korea strips Hwang of honours

and there was something else about "Greek probes"

Now, I've never been a religious man, but if there is a God, he wanted me to laugh out loud in the middle of an auditorium during a lecture. Praise Jeebus.

Also, here's a still from the new film "Snakes on a Plane." Seriously. That's the title.

Who does that????

2006-01-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

So I managed to survive DC's 11 degree weather a couple weeks back - but I just came back from Miami with a fucking cold. La Carreta or not, Miami officially blows goats. Miami's shittiness aside, I'm standing in line at Safeway with a handful of groceries - just enough to get me through my cold - and the woman with $162.25 worth of shit ahead of me (I was watching when she paid - sue me) turns to the guy IN THE NEXT LINE OVER and asks if he wants to jump ahead of her, sunce her husband had to run and get some other stuff. He took like 5 minutes to pay. I had SIX ITEMS!!!!!!! Cerealjuicetissuescrackersmilkandsomethingelsebuticantrememberwhat. FUCK!!!! THEN, she proceeded to check out her bajillion dollars worth of pie and onions and crap while I stood there sniffling because I'M DYING from this damned cold. And the whole time, she was slowing the cashier down cause she was berating his ability to bag groceries. Who does that???? FUCK! Who???

Color me disgruntled.

DC is blowed up

2005-12-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

So I woke up at 7:30 this morning to the sound of yelling, accompanied by screaming machinery and a thud so hard it shook the building several times. Because I'm a rational person, I made the logical assumption that we were under a terrorist attack. After all, no one would do any kind of roofing work or anything on a building at 7:30 in the morning without informing any of the residents that they might be woken up that morning at the ass crack of dawn by what sounds like the background to that track on the second Tool album with the screaming baby thing in it. Am I right?

No. I'm wrong. I'm absolutely fucking wrong. Jesus H. Christ, at least a terrorist attack would have been acceptable. Jihad I can deal with. America is mean. I get it. But roofers - roofers have no excuse. What did I do to them? More importantly, who asked them to come crack the ice off my fucking building without letting everyone who lives here know what's up? This is DC. It gets icy. I have a feeling the management knew this. Cause it's snowed here every year since... well... forever. So I bet they knew this would happen. How about a little notice, huh? George Bush is wrong. The terrorists don't hate our freedom. They hate our inconsiderate roofers and building managers. So do I. Infidels.

Lucy, you got some 'sploding to do!

2005-12-19T09:15:00.000-08:00

Kirk Cameron saved my soul tonight

2005-12-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

Kirk Cameron is not only the greatest actor in the history of all acting ever - EVER - but he's got God power.

Check it out.

My favorite part is when he narrates you through the Ten Commandments to see if you violated any of them. I'm 10 for 10, ever since I coveted my neighbor's ass (who he was married to), worshipped it on a Sunday, murdered my parents and then stole some shit and lied about it. If that doesn't cover everything, let me know. I'll work on it.

Confession: My head is abnormally small

2005-12-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

What the hell? I'm flipping stations and Boogey Nights is on UPN. How the hell does that work? What do they do with the last 15 minutes of the movie? And what about the first hour and 45 minutes? I can't see it being more than a closeup of Burt Reynolds and Marky Mark's face followed by the credits.... and maybe that Asian guy throwing the fire crackers. Fire crackers are awesome.

So I went to this art gallery thing today where there was a Post Secret exhibition. I've decided to create my own Post Secret blog thing, but without secrets - real ones anyway. Should be fun.