David Caruso, you magnificent bastard

So I'm watching CSI: Miami. I know. It's not because I miss Miami - it's because there's nothing that comes close to being as bad as the actual city as the show about the city. I'll set the scene:

It's a charity gala event at a hospital opened by some exceedingly wealthy, young, attractive people. It's outside on a glorious sunny Miami day - the kind that never actually happens when I'm in town. The woman hosting offers a toast, champagne corks are popped, one after the other - followed by . . . a SHOT! A man comes tumbling out onto the second story terrace, stumbles over the balcony, and falls down, impaling himself on a crystalline ice sculpture - like a miniature icy Fortress of Solitude. Officers arrive on the scene. The medical examiner comments to Lieutenant Horatio Kane that killing a man in broad daylight in a house full of people is cold. Horatio puts his wraparound glasses back on and retorts: "Cold as ice, Katherine. Cold as ice." [Cue the Who]

Don't - Don't you want me?

Create your own Friend Test here

Bill and Ted's Excellement Adventured (in job hunting)

So I was looking at legal job postings today. This was part of one:

Excellement writing and research skills are a must . . .


I love job hunting!

Life is grand - like candy, or heroin

I scored a job interview today! Granted, it's just a preliminary interview, and it's in Miami, which is - well - Miami, but I actually managed to get an interview based on my own (mediocre) credentials. And all I had to do was apply to 6,000 jobs. However, this has given me hope and the courage to follow my dreams. I am going to drop an atomic bomb on every city in the world until the radiation produces a single Godzilla, Mothra, or other Creature of Mass Destruction. Yippee!

Also, honest-to-God headline from today's Yahoo! news page (oh how I love/hate the news):

"Internet searches for arrested astronaut skyrocket."

The world is a sick bitch.

Think warm thoughts. . . Think warm thoughts. . .

So it was 2 below this morning. And by "2 below," I mean that it was SO cold, that's the number of testicles that reascended into my body.

On a lighter note, Emerson wearing a sweater is just about the most adorable thing in the history of the world.

I fought the law, and the law won.

This is an annotation of a case that I turned up during a search:

Where officer with arrest warrant was leaning on bed to arouse defendant and felt hard object under his hand, and object felt like stock of rifle or shotgun, search under mattress was justified for protection of officer and to prevent escape.

I love our legal system.

Haikus are like Dick Clark - They Never Get Old

Here are some haikus that I'm copying over from my old MySpace blog, which I no longer use. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.

patrick swayze's hands
are like handsome sandpaper
unchained melody

two four six eight, who
do we appreciate? me,
because i'm a jew.

some rednecks are real
assholes but some just want to
cook you fried chicken

oh noble mallards
you truly astonish me
with gruesome sex acts

i'd like to go to
the university of
porking your momma

writing haikus is
probably easier to
do in japanese

it seemed quite country
when michael spoke of his ex:
that bitch stole my dog

skeezos snips drew's locks
which fall on the parking lot
no more mullet, drew

mushrooms on pizza
three slices were in my fridge
so i ate them all

hot topic sucks ass.
evanescence hurts my brain.
dark spirits, piss off.

here's a haiku for
your momma. it's from a nice
jewish boy. boo ya.

why did she make miss
congeniality 2?
must need drug money

girls in too short skirts
were they attacked with scissors
or are they just hoes?

girlfriend in europe
no money to go get drunk
and my tummy hurts

gourmet fair food - yum
but i think what did me in
was the fried twinkie

Law students continue to be assholes.

We ARE filling out the seating chart today. I hereby dub this girl the new "neckpunch."

Law students are worse than Hitler.

So I show up to one of my favorite classes today, and realize it's seating chart sign-up day. So, as I have for the past two classes, I walk over to my usual seat at the front of the room - which I take to force me to pay attention - and some absolute hose bag has stolen my friend's seat, and is saving my usual seat for her friend, who is too God damn slow to show up. So now, I'm forced to sit in the very last row at the very back of the room, nose bleeding onto keyboard, professor saying something I can barely hear because he's so fucking far away, and all I can bring myself to do is stare at the back of the head of this dim witted crotch bag who stole my seat, visualizing an army of naked mole rats burrowing into her head and taking a dump. And the proof that I need to sit near the front or I won't pay attention? I'm blogging now - for like the first time in 6 months - just because I can't bring myself to pay attention.

On the lighter side, here's a wedding photo:


P.S. (which in this case stands for "personal satisfaction" - the bitch who wouldn't let me sit in my seat just got called on)

P.P.S (which here stands for "peeing in pants, satisfied" - the professor didn't get a proper seating chart, so we're doing it next time - and i WILL be here early)

Justice prevails!